How the lady on my laptop helps me to grieve

On my laptop when I search something up on the internet the homepage shows previous searches that I have used often to make life easier.  One is from a year ago and I can’t get rid of it even though seeing it makes me sad.

It is the homepage of Bristol Children’s Hospital connecting you to their Wifi.  I used this during the end of our 5 week stay with our son when he was getting better and I could squeeze in some work and finish a qualification.

It’s bittersweet to see that picture with the same lady smiling at me and the same writing because it takes me back to being at the hospital.  Back to uncertainty, back to not sure what each day would bring, back to missing my other children incredibly, back to being ships in the night with my husband.  But also back to the reassurance of the nurses checking on my son frequently, teachers trying to do some lessons or playing games to break up the day, back to the view from our window of the city and the bed, pull out bed and corner of the ward that became our home more than the home we had just moved in to.

I can’t delete that window on the screen because it carries so much.

It reminds me that what happened was real.  That we nearly lost our son to 19 strokes.  That the grief I hold now is real.  That we were really there living in a reality that would never have been dreamed up.

That window means a lot to me.  It is important to see it.

This is the thing with grief.  It is important because it means that what happened was real.  That you did go through something and it was painfully hard.  That what you are feeling now is the result of what happened, that ache is there for a reason.

My son is alive but our trajectory has changed.  That change is enormous to me and significant.  No one can take that away from me and I don’t want them to because it means a lot to me.

The same for that picture on the screen.  It means a lot to me.  Seeing it reminds me of home.  Bristol Children’s Hospital is still home to me, it brought comfort, security, feelings I have not felt as deeply as there, a place to rest and doctors and nurses that unbeknown to them are now forever members of our family.

If anyone deleted that picture I would be broken hearted and I would do all I can to get it back.  That picture brings me reassurance and something to hold on to.  That picture brings me familiarity.

For someone else it could be a photo, an item of clothing, a smell, an object, a room, whichever it is there is significance in it that doesn’t really need to be explained.  There doesn’t need to be any explanation because if that is what you need then that is what you need.

I think that is the thing with grief.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  The only way to grieve is the way that sits right for you.

I never want my grief to go away because having that grief keeps me going.  It reminds me of what has happened because I never want to forget it.  Every detail I want to remember, hard as it can be I need to remember every detail because that is shaping my present.

Seeing the lady on the screen sometimes makes me smile as I remember a memory, sometimes it makes me sad as I remember how things have changed but every time I see her I feel something and that is really important to me.

Book here for a 30 minute no obligation consult.