Why rushing through your grief may feel tempting

Rushing through grief to try to outrun feelings can feel tempting when it just feels too hard or too lonely.  Grief is something that we learn to live with in our own way.  Instead of trying to ‘get over grief’ it is about looking at how we can survive grieving and carrying the grief that we feel.  This can look different for everyone and that is ok.  There is no one way to grieve.

It is not about trying to fix the grief you are feeling but about learning to live with the grief that you have every day.  To have moments of peace scattered throughout your day, your week.  To not feel alone in feeing the way that you do.

When we have lost someone dear to us, even if they are still living, the way we are feeling can feel such a weight.  This feeling can also be topped with the surprise of how grief feels for you and the wondering of whether this is right to feel this way.

When we start asking these questions on top of the loss that we are already feeling it can feel too much.  Comparing yourself to others or reading theories and processes of grief can make you question whether the way you are handling your loss is the right way.

I have heard these questions before be asked by clients as well as by myself when I started to grieve for my loss.  At times the way I was grieving and if it was right was starting to overshadow what I was feeling.

I kept trying to reason with myself that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, that things could be worse, that I was ok.  This wasn’t helpful, it confused me and I felt guilty for how I was feeling, it was too much to put this pressure on myself.

When I stopped and I just allowed myself to get curious with how I was feeling and to go with what I needed or wanted to do, it felt like a relief, like being surrounded by warmth on a cold day.  I felt comforted by allowing myself to just be and to know that I was doing what I needed to do, what my body wanted me to do.

In the early days that looked like wanting to just lie on the grass in a starfish and just watch the clouds float by.  Sometimes I wanted to record everything in a journal so that I wouldn’t forget a moment.  Sometimes it was remembering every detail of the hospital ward and the view from the window as I feel asleep as that gave me immense comfort.

A lot of these things I still do, because they give me comfort.  They remind me that what happened was real and I never want to forget that.  I want to remember.

What you do as you are grieving may be completely different to me and I gently want to let you know that that is ok.  You need to do what is right for you, what makes sense for you.

I have heard some people describe what they like to do as ‘weird’ but I would offer that what you do is not weird but exactly right for you.

When we give in to what feels right for us, it gives us permission and space for us to not be concerned any more with what we do and how we do it but instead gives us the validation that we can grieve this way, that that is ok because it is right for us.

If reading this has jarred you and you would like to start therapy with me, get in touch here.